Mello's Charm School
by Near0218
Summary: Near needs help talking to the girl he likes, and Mello is the only one that can help him.  In exchange for lessons, Near must find out if Matt's gay.  Will Near succeed and find love?  Will Mello's hopes be confirmed?  NearxOC, MelloxMatt
1. Chapter 1

Co-authored by: Near0218 and lightning027

Beta'd by: lightning027

**Summary:** Near needs help talking to the girl he likes, and Mello is the only one that can help him. In exchange for lessons, Near must find out if Matt's gay. Will Near succeed and find love? Will Mello's hopes be confirmed? NearxOC, MelloxMatt

**Chapter 1**

Near was caught by surprise when Rodger told him that he had to re-select his classes. He told Near he needed to chose at least one art class.

"Roger, stop being so preposterous. I'm succeeding L, I don't need to take an art class," Near countered. Near was a decent kid, maybe he could persuade Roger into letting him skip the class.

"Too bad, Near. An arts credit is required for you to succeed L. Here's the list of classes," Roger handed Near the paper, which Near scanned over.

_Introduction to art . . . boring. Too simple and vague._

_Photography . . . Mello__'__s taking that, I should stay away from him._

_Sculpting . . . not my style . . ._

Near continued to skim through the choices until he found one that interested him. Origami. It wouldn't really require any artistic abilities, just folding paper. He informed Roger of his choice and was enrolled in the class immediately.

The next day was Near's first day of origami. He walked into class thinking that this was going to be the most pointless class he had ever taken, but 15 minutes into it the door opened. Near turned his head quickly and saw a girl. She had dark brown hair almost like a chestnut, and beautiful green eyes.

"Sorry I'm late" the girl apologized to the teacher.

"Just don't let it happen again Eve," the teacher replied, not looking up from her computer, where she was probably watching some sort of porn.

Eve nodded and then she looked straight at Near, and Near could feel his face turn as red as a tomato. The whole class he just sat there like an amazed stalker staring at Eve.

When the day ended Near went to his dorm that he shared with O or Othello. He saw that Near had opened the door with great enthusiasm.

"What's with you?" O asked. Near wasn't usually this . . . normal? Human?

"N-nothing," Near stuttered a bit, then cursed himself for not sounding confident.

O knew that there was something going on with Near, but quite honestly didn't give a shit. So he ignored the little sheep and continued to solve his Rubik's cube

The next day Near rushed to his origami class, he couldn't wait to see Eve. He wasn't sure if it was her introverted nature or her beauty, but she just mesmerized him. When he got to class Eve was already sitting down, so he grabbed the chair next to her.

Near thought that striking up a conversation would be a good start for their relationship. He opened him mouth to say hello, but what came out was "U-uh, a baa?"

Eve did not even acknowledge him, and continued to work on her army of paper cranes, her cheeks a bit pink. Near felt embarrassed and ashamed at his failure. He was determined to talk to this girl. When you face Near with a challenge, he doesn't go down that easily.

When class was over he followed Eve to the play room where she found a book of word puzzles. Near made a mental note of this in case he ever had to buy her a present of some sort. What, isn't that what boyfriends do? Near noticed she sat down in a corner, away from all the other kids.

Every time someone tried to talk to Eve, she would reply politely with a smile, and then direct the conversation in a way so that she would be left alone. But whenever she saw Near coming her way, she would slyly leave the room. Near just couldn't figure out why this girl hated him so much! Did he smell bad? Had he done something wrong? Was Mello spreading rumors that he was a pedophile again? 'Cause this time he would take that to Roger, he has no right to spread false rumors . . .

Near was so mad at himself. How could this happen? How could one person make him feel so bad about himself, make him feel like an utter failure? Near slunk into his dorm room, and luckily O wasn't there. He shoved his head into his pillow and screamed until he was hoarse. He couldn't deal with failure, failure wasn't in his nature . . .

Near was going to beat this. He recognized that he needed more information on the subject in order to take on this challenge. He needed to be prepared. He needed to learn how to interact with others. He also knew where he was going to get this information, but it wasn't going to be fun...

The next day Near woke up ready to go to the only person he knew could help him...that person was Mello. Yeah, fun time.

Near walked to Mello's dorm and knocked on the door. There was no answer, and the door was unlocked, so Near just let himself in. It was Mello's fault for being so stupid as to leave his door unlocked.

Mello was sitting in a spinney chair. As soon as his door opened, he turned around, probably expecting a more pleasant, possible redheaded, visitor. He was eating a Hershey chocolate bar. Near saw his eyes get wide and his hand almost squish the chocolate.

"Get. The fuck. Out. Now," Mello practically growled at Near, glaring at his head as if to melt it. But Near wasn't looking at Mello's face, so he couldn't feel the wrath of the blonde-haired chocoholic.

"No." Mello's eye twitched.

"I need your help," Near stated, trying to keep his cool. He hated asking for help, especially from Mello. The child disgusted him.

Mello's eyes widened as he thought about what Near could possibly need help with. He smiled smugly at the thought of knowing something Near didn't. But when Near asked his question Mello frowned.

"Will you help me to be more social?"

"FUCK NO! There is no way that I am going help you with the last thing I'm better at!" Mello replied indignantly. No way. No fucking way would he help that little prick.

"Please Mello, you're the only one I can go to for this," Near bit his lip as he let go of his dignity. He knew that making himself vulnerable would be the only way Mello would help him. He needed to make Mello feel important, like he was the only person that could ever help him.

"You're my only hope," Near threw up a bit in his mouth. Mello smirked at the child's weakness. Stupid sheep.

"I guess I could help you. But on one condition . . ." Mello smirked, plotting. Near gulped.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone of my suspicions, OK?" Mello asked, suddenly serious again. Near nodded. Who would he tell? He was a social reject, and proud of it.

"I need you to find out if Matt's gay. He's been acting really strange and distant around me, and I think that's why. I'll tell you what to do when the time comes. So, do we have a deal? One course in social skills in exchange for spying on a homosexual friend?" Mello asked, holding out a hand for Near to shake. Near hesitated, but only for a moment before grabbing Mello's hand.

"I accept," he mumbled in his monotone voice.

And with that pact, Mello and Near began a relationship. A strange relationship based on mutual gain, but a relationship nonetheless.

**(A/N:** lightning027- thank you for reading! This is going to be a short 5 chapter collab between myself and Near0218. We came up with this idea while texting, and thought you guys would find it amusing. Hope you like it! Please review to help us improve!)


	2. 1st class

(A/N) Sorry it took so long our lifes got crazy due to the holiday but here it is. Hope you guys like it. OH, and please R&R.

Written and Beta'd By: Near 0218 and lightning027

It took Mello three days to create a lesson plan for Near's class. In which three times he almost gave up because he thought Near was too much of a social reject to be fixed. The guy was a complete wreck in front of Eve, how would Mello even _begin_to fix him? But then he thought of Matt and how Near was going to help him. So he pushed through and eventually finished the plan.

Mello finally got to the conclusion that he was going to need three classes in order to train Near.

Day 1: What girls want and how to act around girls.  
>Day 2: How to introduce himself and how to hold a conversation.<br>Day 3: How to be romantic and tender.

With his lesson plan completed and his course outline done, Mello decided he better find Near. The sooner he found the little creep, the better. He found Near in the playroom staring at Eve . . .again. Mello shivered, hoping that Near was innocent in his intentions and didn't want to rape the poor girl or something.

"Hey, sheep." said Mello.

Near jumped, surprised and embarrassed that he had been caught staring at Eve. He blushed, hoping that Mello wouldn't notice.

"Jeez it's just me." _He's hopeless . . ._ Mello thought to himself. _He's blushing too.  
><em>  
>"Oh, Hi Mello," Near stated calmly, trying to regain his composure and not to attract attention to himself. He didn't want anyone else to know he had been staring at Eve.<p>

"Hey the classroom we are meeting in is classroom 666," Mello explained. Mello had reserved the classroom from his English teacher, who had some sort of weird crush on him. Yeah, the Wammy House has some fucked up staff.

"OK, what time?" Near asked.

"How does 6 sound?"

"Great, see you there." Near said and then he went back to staring at Eve, she had such pretty hair . . .

"You know it's creepy to stare" Mello told Near, an eyebrow raised. Seriously, doesn't he know how much of a pervert he seems like right now?

"Oh, OK, noted," Near stated as he walked away. Mello rolled his eyes and walked back to his own dorm room. Maybe the albino freak wouldn't be _completely_hopeless . . .

The next day at precisely 6 PM Mello and Near walked into classroom 666. Mello was ready to teach, and Near was ready to learn.

The classroom was fairly normal, with four rows of desks a blackboard, shelves, and a few motivational posters scattered throughout the room. Near found a seat in the front row and Mello walked up to the board, proud that he was teaching Near something. He had always wanted to be superior, and now he was.

With that happy thought in mind, Mello wrote "HOW TO ACT AROUND A GIRL" on the board in large letters.

"Okay albino freak you need to learn how to act your own age. Not like a 6 year old little girl" Mello smirked, the power getting to him already. But he loved making people feel uncomfortable and weak, it was a trait he had inherited from L.

Mello's words were starting to piss Near off already. This was not going to be fun.

"Please address me with respect, Mello," Near stated, hoping that he wouldn't have to ditch the boy and find a book on the subject. Near had never liked books, he preferred more hands-on activities and charts. So he hoped to god that Mello would just shut up and teach.

"No. Now first of all when you are near the girl. Heh heh when Near is near a girl" Mello felt proud he did that by accident, smiling slightly to himself while writing on the board.

_Wow I'm being taught by an immature homosexual,_Near thought sarcastically. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and just tried to bear with Mello for a few more minutes.

"So anyway, you need to wear real clothing, not just your day pajamas or night pajamas. Girls like men with a sense of style," Mello explained. "So what we are going to do is use O's and Matt's clothes without them knowing."

When Near and Mello got back from raiding closets (which Near actually found kind of fun) Mello picked out clothes for Near and tossed them to him. Mello wasn't exactly sure what kind of body type Near had, and which clothing style would look good on him. So he had cleaned out a closet for Near to use as a dressing room and thought of a few styles that might work for the twit.

"Wear these."

"Bu..." Near started to speak.

"Ah... No buts put these on and we will see what you look like. If you look like crap we'll try something else," Mello demanded. Trial and error was their plan for now.

"Fine." Near put his head down and started to walk to the closet, feeling very self-conscious. He knew this was probably unavoidable, but was a bit nervous nonetheless. Not that he let Mello know.

When he came back he actually looked like a normal eleven year old boy. He was wearing a lime green polo shirt with jeans. (Both O's, Matt's clothes were too tight for Near . . . and the smoke smell kind of disgusted him).

"Wow, you actually look human when you wear normal people clothes," Mello said while he was approving of how he made a sheep look human. Near mentally rolled his eyes at Mello's comment. He looked like a human no matter what he wore as long as it wasn't an animal costume. Any idiot would know that.

"I feel like a lime skin wrapped around a blueberry . . ." Near said as he started to frown. The colors were too bright for his pale complexion and hair.

"Um... Okay" Mello said he was very confused at Near's comment. Mello hoped he didn't use fruit analogies all the time . . . girls would probably find that weird. "So that's a no. Here, try some of my clothes on." Mello had a bad feeling about this . . . but you never know, Near might look good. No, probably not.

Near went back in the closet and changed once again. As soon as he put the pants on he knew that it was not him. But he had couple questions for Mello so he kept changing.

When Near was finished changing he left and proceeded to interrogate Mello about his pants, which, as you can imagine, looked really weird on the albino kid.

"Mello these pants have a lace instead of a zipper. Did you get these at a sex shop?" Near asked.

"What, no psh... You insult me." Mello exclaimed. He mentally sweat dropped. He would rather not let the origins of the pants be known . . .

"Mello are you gay?"

"NO YOU ARE!" Mello said not realizing his flaw that he is helping Near get a girl. And also, that he was, in fact, gay. And his outburst wasn't helping. Near now actually believed Mello was gay. He had just asked the question because he was curious as to how Mello would react. This was interesting, but he decided to let it slide for the time being.

Mello, slightly red faced, muttered something about going to find Near suitable clothes. Near was glad that he was alone, and stepped back into the changing room to rid himself of the leather death trap that was Mello's pants.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Mello returned with an outfit from Hang, who was Mello's roommate. When he returned with the clothes, Near was sitting in his desk again, wearing his normal clothes.

"OK, Near, this is the last thing you have to try on, 'cause Hang is the last guy I know," Mello stated, tossing the clothes to Near, who obediently changed in the closet. As he was changing, Mello decided to write some notes on the board on how to act and how girls want to be treated. Mello was so in the zone he didn't even notice the door opening.

"Mello?"

Mello turned from his work and stared.

Near was wearing a band T-shirt under a black and white plaid hoodie. He had baggy jeans with a decent belt, and oversize sneakers. Normally, it would look terrible on a person like Matt or Mello, but with Near's strange complexion and light hair, it looked good. Near stared at the floor, a bit self conscious.

"Good. You'll wear that," Mello said, "start dressing like that from now on."

"But I've never even listened to . . ." Near looked at his shirt. "Theory of a Deadman?"

"You don't need to know that band, you just need a cool shirt. We'll go out and buy your clothes tomorrow after you do me a favor. Now we have to work on your behavior. Well, where's your notebook?" Mello asked, irritated. How would he ever remember this stuff if he didn't take notes?

"Oh, right," Near spoke, taking out a small notebook and pencil. Once he was ready, Mello began to teach.

"Now, I've talked to a few of Eve's friends, and have come to the conclusion that she would like the 'sweet and mysterious' type," Mello stated. He pointed to a circled title. The crossed out titles included 'bad boy with a soft side', 'nerd with a dark past', and 'self-centered jock'. Near noted that there were other types but he would not be learning about them.

"So, in order to achieve this, you will have to act a little. Not too much because you already have that 'mysterious psychopath' thing going on, but we need to complement it by being sensitive and caring. So, when she talks to you, you should be polite and nice, but don't seem like you need her. Act like she's just another girl," Mello explained, writing a few things down. Near scrunched his eyebrows together.

"But she isn't just another girl, I really like her," Near said, confused. Shouldn't he be truthful and act like how he felt?

"No, you shouldn't. Girls don't like guys that seem desperate. It seems pathetic and creepy. It's why you never tell someone you love them until you've been dating for at least three months," Mello stated, writing '3 MONTHS' and circling it. Near wrote it down, interested in these unspoken rules. How did Mello learn this stuff? Was there some sort of secret organization of men that pass down this knowledge from generation to generation?

"Mello, where did you learn this?" Near asked, looking for answers. He wanted to know if his theory was right.

"That's not important. Keep your mind on the task at hand," Mello growled, smacking Near's desk. Near jumped a bit.

"Now, when you talk to her, you should introduce yourself politely. If she needs help with something, like a project or her homework, help her the first three times. Then say you have 'a meeting' so that you keep up the aura of mystery. The stereotype you're imitating is found in quite a few teen romance books, so it should work. Be polite, a gentleman, but be vague. Every fifth question she asks, give a vague answer. Now, you also need confidence for this to work. This type of technique has worked 90% of the time, but you need to be confident with it. The whole act is nothing without confidence. That's what a girl craves in a guy, the ability to be treated nicely, and have a man that is confident in himself and yet keeps them interested, because there's that something that they just can't fuckin' _figure out_ . . ." Mello trailed off, rolling his eyes and lost in his thoughts.

"Mello . . . how do you know this stuff?" Near asked again, surprised at Mello's knowledge of women and their desires when he didn't really hang out with them that much. Come to think of it, the only girl he'd ever seen Mello with was Jan, and she was the biggest Tomboy Near had ever seen.

Near noticed Mello's slight blush, as he tried to hide it behind a mad expression.

"I told you not to ask questions! Now tomorrow you're gonna help me, and then I'll sneak out at night to get you some clothes. You have all the notes you'll need?" Mello asked. Near could tell how flustered he was, but just nodded.

"Good, I'll be testing you next class. Don't forget about our deal. And don't talk to Eve until our next class. Avoid her. This is vital in not becoming attached too soon. You need to be able to spend periods of time without her," Mello explained. Near nodded and packed his stuff up as Mello erased the board of his various charts and titles.

"Good job, sheep," Mello said gruffly, shaking Near's hand on the way out as their teachers did.

"Thank you, Mello," Near replied as they went their separate ways. The next day, Near would fulfill his deal and help Mello.


	3. Day Dreaming

(A/N) WHO SHOULD WRITE THIS

Written and Beta'd by: Near0218 and lightning027

"Okay, Near your turn to hold up your part of the deal!" Mello exclaims, as he shove a pair of binoculars and night vision goggles he bought from a little kid spy kit at Wal-Mart.

"Um… OKAY! But what am I supposed to do with these?" Near asks confusingly looking at the tools Mello gave him.

"You're supposed to follow Matt, DUH!" Mello says realizing how one-sided this deal was, but this little white haired albino sheep was his only hope no matter how hard he denied it. So… he just kept his end of the deal hoping Near wouldn't be a complete failure at his part.

Right after Near and Mello's conversation Near set off on his spying journey looking for Matt who he found in his room playing a video game while peering through a window. He found a stool and stared through Matt's window.

Near quickly got bored as Matt sat there for hours on end when he finally got up near ran around through the door to Wammy's which was only like 5 steps but Near was panting when he got there. He saw Matt turn a corner and Near ran after him.

Near followed Matt all the way to the Dining hall where Matt got a code red Mountain Dew(Classic Game Freak Drink) and a bag of barbeque chips. He then went back to his room and Near went back to his window.

That was at 1 pm and it wasn't till 7 pm that Matt got up from his game and pulled a book from his pocket Near couldn't read the title but figured that it was a Game cheat book, but while Near was thinking and starring in to space about his idea Matt came out side. When he saw Near he automatically knew he was spying on him.

Matt decided it would be funny to sneak up on him and scare him. So he silently, but quickly walk over to Near. When he got behind him he began to scream "HEY!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" Near yelled as his voice cracked and he sounded like a little girl luckily no one but Matt heard him.

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"What was that for?" Near questioned but he already knew the answer.

"It was for spying on me. Which by the way why were you doing that?" Matt responded with an angered look on his face

Near had to come up with something quick! "Um… I was testing out my new spy toys. I guess they don't really work if I was discovered"

"Hahaha. No, they work fine it was just the user is not very good at spying" Matt stated not suspecting a thing.

Near looked at Matt crossly trying to keep his lie believable and then stormed off like a 15 year old girl.

When Near returned to Mello it was about 8:30. Mello saw him and automatically knew his mission was failure. But he still bothered to ask.

"What happened?"

"Nothing he sat playing video games for 12 straight hours." He left out the part where Matt discovered him.

Mello let out a sigh and then preceded to tell Near that they would be meeting at 6 pm tomorrow night. Near nodded and they parted ways until their meeting tomorriow.

When Near got to his bed and fell asleep he had the most pleasant dream.

_Near saw himself in a tuxedo standing at an altar obviously at chapel. He looked to his right where he saw Mello, Matt and O. He then looked to the right where he saw Linda, Zero, and Star._

_He heard wedding music play and then look down the altar where a beautiful girl slowly walked down the aisle when she got to the altar Near was about to lift up the veil when…_

"WHAT I WAS DREAMING!" Near screamed when he realized O had awoken him from his deep slumber.

"It's time for class. Jeez take chill pill" O had said the last part under his breath.

"Oh… okay sorry" Near stated with no emotion at all he got up grabbed his books and left for class.

During class Near couldn't concentrate more than a little baby bunny on sugar and caffeine. All he could think about was Eve and how long he till he could see her, it 3 hours 13 minutes and 43 seconds exactly.

Now 2 hours 22 minutes and 14 seconds Ms. Wools was teaching some random thing about trigonometry and stuff like tangent and sine. What she did not realize was that her top student did not give a rat's ass about tangent and some stupid sin crap. There are 7 fake deadly sins and tangent is something about wine, that is what Near thought in the brief second he was listening.

When trigonometry finally ended there was 1 hour 15 minutes and 32 seconds till origami. The next class is the most boring for Near, its Spanish. I mean who the fuck needs Spanish anyway its useless in England. But Near had to endure it for a whole hour and 15 minutes.

45 minutes in Near started to day dream. He only saw white just his normal paradise, but then it manifested into something much greater. His day dream became a house full of 3 children two girls one boy. His house is lively and fun. In the kitchen though there are two people a boy and a girl, when Near looks closer he realizes it is him and Eve making dinner for their kids.

When they finish they call for the kids and then there is a ring on the doorbell. Eve answers the door only two find the two godparents standing in the doorway, and who are they none other than Mello and Matt. That is when Near jolts back to reality and at that very second the bell rings.

"YES! TIME FOR ORAGAMI!" Near screams in joy not realizing that he screamed it aloud, and then he bolts off in full sprint. Everyone in the classroom and everyone he passes stares at him so confused and at a loss of words for what is going on. When Near finally realizes what he has done it is too late he has ran around the whole school to get to class and is completely out of breath.

"I need to get out more" Near thinks to him-self coming through the classroom door completely out of breath. When he walks in he sees a seat right next to Eve. He screams "YES!" to him-self careful not to say it out loud. He takes the seat and apologizes to the teacher for being a little late.

In the middle of folding paper cranes, Near realizes he is having a lot of trouble. He tries to ask Eve for help but all that comes out is…

"Ah-eh-ee-oh-u" Which makes no sense but somehow Eve understands and replies to him.

"Yes, I will help you" she says in a laid back tone.

Near tries to say thank you but can get the words out of his mouth. So he justs sits in silence watching Eve fold the most beautiful crane.

Without him realizing is in shock and awe as she finishes and she says to him. "You know, it won't hurt your genius ego to ask for help or say thank you." Near just turns away and starts to fold while Eve chuckles for a little bit.

"How could I let her talk to me like that? ME the number 1 student, and heir to the L position." Is all Near can think about on his way to Mello's and his secret class. Luckily for Near today's class will be about how to talk to a girl.

"Now for this I am brining in a little help from a actual girl but don't worry she is a lezbo so no pressure" Mello says in his usual sadistic voice.

"HEY! I heard that Mello Yellow, don't forget all the dirt I have on you right now!" A familiar voice says from the closet.

"How could I forget, LINDA?"

"Just making sure." Linda says as she emerges from the closet all dressed.

"Hi, Near, Sweetie. How are you today?" Linda say as a little annoyed signs starts to emerge above Near's head.

"Do not call me sweetie Linda. We are still playing our game so I am Captain River to you" Near says in a deadly serious voice.

"YES, SIR!" Linda screams at him trying to keep a straight face. When she looks over at Mello though he is cracking up so hard no sounds are coming out of his mouth and he is turning blue. She decides to smack him to get him back to his senses.

"OUCH!" Mello returning to his senses yells at Linda furious.

"Stop! I only did this to help Captain River!"

"FINE!" Mello yelps back to her as she kicks him in the balls.

"Good. Now Captain River permission to break character to help you" Linda says saluting to Near, and in all seriousness looking like a complete lesbian.

"Permission, GRANTED!" Near screams back as his voice cracks into a very high pitched yelp.

Linda trying not to laugh manages to get a few words out. " O-Okay, hehe where sha-shall we st-start."

"Sure."

"Okay so let's begin with how are you today."

"How are you today Linda""

"I am good thank you. What about yourself?"

"I am pretty sure I am love sick pr mentally insane." Near replies to Linda while being deadly serious.

"OH! Well that's no good. We will have to fix that."

"Yes we shall."

This goes on for about an hour, and ends with Near crying in Linda's arms about how he will never have emotions and never be able to love.

"Well that is just not true. I believe Near that one day you will make a great husband and Father you just got to find that girl. Do not forget though that this could very easily be that girl."

"Ah-I won't. Thank you so much Linda"

"No prob, I will do anything for a friend."

Mello just now fully recovering from Linda's kick is awake enough to give Near homework that Mello will make sure he does.

"Okay you ready to do your homework" Mello says to a very nervous Near, who is shivering, sweating and clacking his teeth all at the same time. Manages to say a few words through his moving teeth.

"I-I think so..."

"GOOD!" Mello replies. "Now go get em." Mello pushes Near out from behind the bookshelf and toward Eve.

Eve smiles at Near and says "Hi."

Near waves back, and decides to blurt his question out as quickly as possible because his hands are beginning to sweat. "Will you go out with me?" Near says in under 3 seconds.

Eve replies with a simple "Yes." Then Near runs off and is smiling and feels warm for no reason.

(A/N) SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG! I did not check this as I am being rushed right now so grammar is bad and everyone yell at lightning for ditching me in this story.


End file.
